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About Deviant Barb DingwellFemale/Canada Recent Activity
Deviant for 12 Years
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Our Provincial Flower by BitterSweetBarb Our Provincial Flower :iconbittersweetbarb:BitterSweetBarb 1 0 Abel's Cape by BitterSweetBarb Abel's Cape :iconbittersweetbarb:BitterSweetBarb 3 0 Stuff by BitterSweetBarb Stuff :iconbittersweetbarb:BitterSweetBarb 2 0 Flowers by BitterSweetBarb Flowers :iconbittersweetbarb:BitterSweetBarb 1 0 I think it is an Iris by BitterSweetBarb I think it is an Iris :iconbittersweetbarb:BitterSweetBarb 3 1 County Line Road by BitterSweetBarb County Line Road :iconbittersweetbarb:BitterSweetBarb 3 0

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Large Texture - 1903 by Missesglass Large Texture - 1903 :iconmissesglass:Missesglass 97 10 Mixed pngs - Set 5 by Missesglass Mixed pngs - Set 5 :iconmissesglass:Missesglass 305 14 15 More Cute PNG by MyShinyBoy 15 More Cute PNG :iconmyshinyboy:MyShinyBoy 493 55 Until Dawn by damnedEvans Until Dawn :icondamnedevans:damnedEvans 63 58 Blind Pain - for Dimitri by damnedEvans Blind Pain - for Dimitri :icondamnedevans:damnedEvans 48 52  State Of Suspense. for Infery by damnedEvans State Of Suspense. for Infery :icondamnedevans:damnedEvans 86 67 Pray for you..... by damnedEvans Pray for you..... :icondamnedevans:damnedEvans 9 29 The Farewell by damnedEvans The Farewell :icondamnedevans:damnedEvans 126 41 ocean melody by WCS-Wildcat ocean melody :iconwcs-wildcat:WCS-Wildcat 751 96 forget all that I am by WCS-Wildcat forget all that I am :iconwcs-wildcat:WCS-Wildcat 1,309 17 when cold winds blow by WCS-Wildcat when cold winds blow :iconwcs-wildcat:WCS-Wildcat 545 96 paint me in the shadows by WCS-Wildcat paint me in the shadows :iconwcs-wildcat:WCS-Wildcat 408 72 until the morning comes by WCS-Wildcat until the morning comes :iconwcs-wildcat:WCS-Wildcat 446 108 Origins by Autonoe Origins :iconautonoe:Autonoe 260 85 A Story of Murder by Autonoe A Story of Murder :iconautonoe:Autonoe 246 52 Wallflower by Autonoe Wallflower :iconautonoe:Autonoe 192 47

Activity


deviantID

BitterSweetBarb
Barb Dingwell
Canada
Current Residence: Prince Edward Island (you will need a map, lol)
Personal Quote: WICKED!!!
Interests
I had no intention of ever writing in here but this is something I actually took the time to write when I was having a really bad day ;)

It has been a long, hot afternoon and I am feeling particularly crappy today and so out of this has become a long, bitch tirade. This is the most words I have put together in months, lol. WARNING, there is alot of cursing, bad spelling and grammar, if you get all the way through you deserve a medal :)

First of all you hide in my body for years
No one even knew you were there
You did weird things like made my tongue numb
Yes damnit, I now know that was you
NOT stress like that young doctor kept insisting it was.

Then there was that damn labrynthistis crap
Where I floated around feeling both drunk AND stoned and not enjoying one second of it
Once wasn't enough but you had to hit me with it again a few years later
I HATE YOU.

Consistently being so damn tired, exhausted, and having a fever, how many times can you have the flu in one month
My favorite to sayings to my doctor were 'I cannot get out of my own way' and 'I am SO tired of being sick and tired'
Having to cancel plans to go out on a regular basis because 'I just don't feel good' when I really mean I am half dead and you may have to come to my funeral tomorrow.

But you know this is all in my head
None of it is real.

Then came the memory and cognitive thinking shit
ALWAYS had a wicked memory
NOT anymore, I am lucky if I can remember which lane I should be driving in and my way home :(
Had a hell of a hard time learning new things at my current job, having to write stuff on little cue cards
WHAT THE HELL is that about???
Doctor says it is age......

So what is I cannot remember how to turn the headlights on and panic, no biggie
OR that I am driving a standard and need to put my foot on the clutch and gear down before hitting the brake
no biggie....

My vision is getting worse
I either have to have instructions read to me or for me
I look at signs or billboards and think that cannot be right they made a mistake or why the hell would they post that
Check it out a couple of more times to find I was just not seeing it properly (will not make sense unless you have the MonSter, lol)

But you know this is all in my head
None of it is real.

For the amount of time I spend flat on my back these days you would think there would be a LOT of sex.... not exactly, lol
wanting to go back to bed for a nap and I have only been up for an hour, damnit I am just flipping exhausted.

Word fishing, holy hell I love that one
makes me feel so good when I do not know what the dog is or the toaster, the fridge is the washer and why in the name of Pete did I put the Bounce in the freezer.
Having to ask the same question again and again to get the same answer and still not understand it or get it
but sure as shit I get the person I am asking mad, lol.

But you know this is all in my head
None of it is real.

Tingling here, tingling there
Pain when you put on body spray
hot spots, feeling like my skin is burning
Aches and pains everywhere
Hereafter/herefor syndrome...what the hell did I come here after or here for?
Walk into the room and back out 6 times before I see something that reminds me.

Then we had that nice experience where the whole left side of my body was numb
very dizzy and weak
Walked with a limp, fell down the steps a couple of times and fell in the shower, now that was attractive
Saggy hanging over one side of the bathtub and me wondering how the hell did that happen.....

Speech all messed up but no one wanted to tell me that or agree with me when I asked
I could feel that there was something up with my face and words did not sound right
BUT all of this finally prompted a visit to a nuerologist, 8 months later who requested an MRI, 7 months later MRI told us what the heck was happening with me and who the dirty thief was.

But you know this is all in my head
And now it is real.

I want you arrested MS
You have stolen so much from me:
my ability to physically function normally
my attention span
ability to think clearly
make good judgments and reasoning
affected my short term memory
basic daily living activities like shopping
cooking or preparing meals
cleaning the house
making social plans
no longer enjoy or feel 100% comfortable driving.....

BUT you gave, yes you did give me some crap too:
depression
anxiety
restless legs
muscle weakness
fatigue that cannot even be put into words
twitching muscles
weakness
muscle pain
vision problems
dizziness
mood swings
brain fog
heat intolerence
and the list goes on and on....

Cannot even make it to MS support group meetings because I am SICK.... too weak to even walk.
And how I can I forget the beloved injections;
each and every day I have to inject some kind of wickedly expensive 'stuff' into a different part of my body, with the hope that it will slow down the progression because there is no cure :(

The worst thing is, this is not just my fight, an estimated 55,000–75,000 Canadians have multiple sclerosis, and about 3 more are diagnosed with MS every day. Approximately 400,000 Americans have MS, and every week about 200 people are diagnosed. World-wide, MS affects about 2.5 million people. I want you arrested and given life in prison so you can never, ever do this to another human being, be it a man, woman or child (children as young as 4 years old have been diagnosed with MS) again. You are hateful and should be locked up and the key thrown away.

You crept up on me slowly and in the process I lost myself. I thank God that my fiance has stayed by my side every step of the way through the good times and the bad; I can assure you the bad outnumber the good and he is still hanging in there ;)

Comments


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:iconsallygilroy:
sallygilroy Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014
Thanks for the faves and watch Barb :D
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:iconascenciok:
ascenciok Featured By Owner May 7, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks so much for the watch!:love:
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:iconneitin:
Neitin Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks  so much for the favorite:) (Smile) 
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:iconsandrahultsved:
SandraHultsved Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you so very much for the favs:aww::rose:
Reply
:iconkarinclaessonart:
KarinClaessonArt Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you very much for :+devwatch::)
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:iconsab687:
SAB687 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks so much for the watch :kiss:
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:iconnina-visallo:
Nina-Visallo Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you so much for the watch and fav ! :)
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:iconmarjie79:
Marjie79 Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks a lot for the watch!  Hug the Earth by metal-marty
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:iconmerlin111:
Merlin111 Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist

Thanks for the :+fav:.

Very much appreciated

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:iconrossanacastellino:
RossanaCastellino Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for the watch, much appreciated! :aww:
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